You and I are so similar that I can't believe it sometimes. We've lost everything when we were children. We hurt the people we can because we can't hurt the people actually responsible for that loss. We run away from things that frighten us because we both know how to cope, and it's worked for years so why bother to try something new?
I'm...afraid of dredging up those feelings. I put revenge behind me; I'm afraid that if I talk about it now, all of that hate will come back. I was so angry...every day, I was so angry and hurt. I know you know how that feels. I don't want to go back to feeling that way; I'm happy pretending it doesn't exist.
...but that's made me hurt someone I've come to care for very much, and that isn't acceptable. I need to change myself to keep that from happening.
[Guy pauses; that was the easy part. Now comes the difficult part.]
And you need to do the same.
I can adjust my behavior a thousand times to suit your needs, but it wouldn't be the truth. It would be the same as before, the same lies, the same deception. It would be like back in the manor, when you thought I was your friend.
I love Luke; I raised him, and he pulled me away from a path that would've ended in a lot of bloodshed, not to mention my own. He's precious to me. Maybe you could have done the same, given enough time, but circumstances didn't allow it. It's pointless to speculate. And I- [Guy grits his teeth and lifts a fist to bang against the door.] I hate your father. I can accept that he was only doing his duty to his country, and I can accept he might even regret it now. But I still hate him.
And I see him in you; in your hair, your eyes, on your face. Sometimes even in the way you talk, or the way you act. I see it and I hate him all over again; something happens to upset me, and when I look at you I see him. It's so easy to just...hate him again, to blame him for everything that makes me hurt. But it's not him that I'm hurting when I lash out. It's you.
That...that's the part of me I'm trying to change. It's...hard. I don't know how to do it, but I'll find someone who does and I'll beg them for help, if I have to. I don't expect you to wait around for me to do this either, but I need your understanding. If anything else, I need someone who understands how a person can feel that angry about something. And I need you to understand that Luke took me away from that.
That doesn't make him a replacement for you. You're unique to me; you fulfill things in my life that no other person can do. To listen to me when I'm angry, to know when I'm upset...to be there when I can't be myself... There isn't anyone else that I can trust with this. Luke can't understand; he's too kind. I need you for that. I need you for that.
And you- you accomplish nothing by removing yourself from everyone. You run because it's easier, because you know how to be alone and even if you hate it, it's what you can do. You hide yourself away because it's comfortable, even if it hurts. But you also know what it's like to support people and be supported, and I know you. If you remove yourself from that you'll wither away. You need to come back home.
[Guy's fist uncurls and he lays his palm flat against the door.]
I'm not asking you to come back to me. There's a chance...there's a chance that we might not ever be "us" again. But I'm going to move forward with changing myself regardless of whether or not we get back together, and I'm not going to think about what might or might not happen.
...I hope you come home. If you take anything from what I've said, take this: I want you to come home.
[Guy's hand slides from the door and he shoves it back into his pocket. He closes his eyes again, sighs, then pushes off the door and heads back into the snow.]
[Action]
Guy opens his eyes.]
You and I are so similar that I can't believe it sometimes. We've lost everything when we were children. We hurt the people we can because we can't hurt the people actually responsible for that loss. We run away from things that frighten us because we both know how to cope, and it's worked for years so why bother to try something new?
I'm...afraid of dredging up those feelings. I put revenge behind me; I'm afraid that if I talk about it now, all of that hate will come back. I was so angry...every day, I was so angry and hurt. I know you know how that feels. I don't want to go back to feeling that way; I'm happy pretending it doesn't exist.
...but that's made me hurt someone I've come to care for very much, and that isn't acceptable. I need to change myself to keep that from happening.
[Guy pauses; that was the easy part. Now comes the difficult part.]
And you need to do the same.
I can adjust my behavior a thousand times to suit your needs, but it wouldn't be the truth. It would be the same as before, the same lies, the same deception. It would be like back in the manor, when you thought I was your friend.
I love Luke; I raised him, and he pulled me away from a path that would've ended in a lot of bloodshed, not to mention my own. He's precious to me. Maybe you could have done the same, given enough time, but circumstances didn't allow it. It's pointless to speculate. And I- [Guy grits his teeth and lifts a fist to bang against the door.] I hate your father. I can accept that he was only doing his duty to his country, and I can accept he might even regret it now. But I still hate him.
And I see him in you; in your hair, your eyes, on your face. Sometimes even in the way you talk, or the way you act. I see it and I hate him all over again; something happens to upset me, and when I look at you I see him. It's so easy to just...hate him again, to blame him for everything that makes me hurt. But it's not him that I'm hurting when I lash out. It's you.
That...that's the part of me I'm trying to change. It's...hard. I don't know how to do it, but I'll find someone who does and I'll beg them for help, if I have to. I don't expect you to wait around for me to do this either, but I need your understanding. If anything else, I need someone who understands how a person can feel that angry about something. And I need you to understand that Luke took me away from that.
That doesn't make him a replacement for you. You're unique to me; you fulfill things in my life that no other person can do. To listen to me when I'm angry, to know when I'm upset...to be there when I can't be myself... There isn't anyone else that I can trust with this. Luke can't understand; he's too kind. I need you for that. I need you for that.
And you- you accomplish nothing by removing yourself from everyone. You run because it's easier, because you know how to be alone and even if you hate it, it's what you can do. You hide yourself away because it's comfortable, even if it hurts. But you also know what it's like to support people and be supported, and I know you. If you remove yourself from that you'll wither away. You need to come back home.
[Guy's fist uncurls and he lays his palm flat against the door.]
I'm not asking you to come back to me. There's a chance...there's a chance that we might not ever be "us" again. But I'm going to move forward with changing myself regardless of whether or not we get back together, and I'm not going to think about what might or might not happen.
...I hope you come home. If you take anything from what I've said, take this: I want you to come home.
[Guy's hand slides from the door and he shoves it back into his pocket. He closes his eyes again, sighs, then pushes off the door and heads back into the snow.]